Category Archives: Sir Rantsalot

I’m no turnip! Surely?

I’ve been rocking Twitter lately – not with a ton of success, mind you. But I’ve ‘rocked’ it nonetheless. I’m essentially looking to connect with people like me (offbeats / the slightly unhinged etc.) and share information, stories and ATM pin numbers. Along the way, I’ve managed to get me some followers. Some of them are legit (and fun), but then some of them are probably spam accounts (e.g. ‘eternal_moonshine_godfather_22321645h’). While my example is not one of my real followers (past or present), it IS close, and does illustrate how ridiculous some of these accounts are. They tweet occasionally – usually nonsensical regurgitation of something someone else has said (but better), like “your inner child will be warmer once you learn to fly free from the weight of your surroundings”. WTF. My inner child will be warmer once the heating in my apartment does what it’s told and stops switching off as soon as I turn around.

Frustratingly, though – I recently noticed that some of these crackpots (or crackbots – zing) have UNFOLLOWED me. Not the legit ones, but some of the lamer ones that I really should of unfollowed about 1 million years ago. This may sound petulant, but dammit these jackasses have beaten me to the punch. THEY should have been the ones who felt the exhaust of my car as I drove away. They would have shook their fists and mumbled something about the horror of it all, but I wouldn’t have been able to hear a damn thing because I would have already cranked some freaking Norwegian metal, sped off and chuckled robustly as they ate gravel and other miscellaneous residue from my wheels.

Instead, it’s me eating gravel and chewing on exhaust fumes like a chump. While I acknowledge I’m no ‘Jessica Alba’ of the Twitter world, but for (highly exaggerated) illustrative purposes – it would be like Jessica Alba dating a turnip, and being dumped by the turnip for not being interesting enough! What a joke!

Sir Rantsalot

Incidentally, if you wish to follow me – you can locate me @notmy925

Racists – Performers with no audience

Warning: RANT below.

Between the drama of an especially busy week at  my 9 to 5, friends suffering recent losses, my car deciding it will fall apart on the WAY BACK from a wake (really, life?) and some seriously crazy / unfair shit happening in the US (acknowledging it’s not the only place suffering) – I’m peeved, and I need to vent.

In the last few months, I think I’ve read of about 4 or 5 ‘racist rants’ on Australian trains /buses. For anyone unaware, here is the summary: twit gets on bus / train, spots somebody more ‘foreign’ than them and feels it is their duty to unleash outdated, offensive and downright embarrassing views on someone minding their own business. For anyone not from here, these morons do not represent the other 99.9% of Australians. They are an eyesore in an otherwise beautiful country. Hopefully they tire of Australia, and move to Antarctica.  Although, I’d feel sorry for the penguins’ new neighbours. Wait, are there penguins in Antarctica? I’m not very good at that kind of stuff, and I really haven’t watched as much Attenborough as I want / should.

Aside from the obvious inhumane aspect of the whole matter, I’m also peeved about the manner in which these twits go about getting attention. I view them as shitty entertainers who think they have a ‘good thing going on’, and so subject us to their ‘show’. The only problems is that every other entertainer advertises their ‘product’ and allows us to decide whether we want to see it. They don’t wait until we’re trapped in a moving vehicle – therefore subjecting us to their crap. SO, these racist pieces of shit should do the same. I respect their right to an opinion, but nobody should be FORCED to hear it. If somebody wants to talk about how foreigners shouldn’t be here, fine – but then book a venue, advertise the show and see who wants to come and hear you. Or, get on the street and wave your ideas around like those bible people – because then we’ll have the choice to stop, or keep walking.

Only then will these morons know they have no audience.

Sir Rantsalot.

I feel like my predictive text doesn’t know me at all :(

So, my predictive text and I have been going steady for nearly two years. It’s been pretty good, you know, it’s predicted a whole bunch of stuff that I wanted to say. But lately it’s been saying really weird things. Case in point, here are some of the recent ‘corrections’ that my predictive text has made while I’ve tried to type (generally) normal words:

  • Apostle – asshole (like, wow – this is really going against the intention of my original word, although I must admit, I am not sure in what context I was using ‘apostle’).
  • Become – Beyonce (I get this one is ‘closer’, but WHY would Beyonce be the first choice? Why?
  • Goodness - Gonorrhea (Firstly, I don’t think I have EVER typed the word gonorrhea, and secondly – it’s basically the opposite of goodness!!)
  • Script – Scrotum (Again, never typed it – I swear – but WHY is this word the first choice?
  • Squirmish – Snohomish? (I don’t even know WHAT this is).

So, it’s settled. My predictive text doesn’t know me anymore. Sometimes it thinks I’m a medical student, others it thinks I’m an independent woman, or an asshole. Sometimes it thinks I don’t make any damned sense at all.

What the hell!?

Sir Rantsalot

Lies can be free, you know…

Do you have that person in your life that constantly lies / gives you incorrect information? I do. I think everybody does. You know the type – they tell you this amazing story about how X did Y, or Z escaped from B (to the power of a million). It’s always a grandiose tale – but it ends up being wrong. It’s not to say they’re necessarily a bad person, but geez it’s hard to take anything they say seriously.

Now, what if I told you that your friend started charging you for their premium bullshit? Let’s say $6 per conversation. This is how it will go: they’ll tell you X, Y and Z (I really like using codes for peoples’ names – but on this occasion, they’re actually letters representing hypothetical stuff), and then you’ll find out that it’s all absurdly false. Very soon, you’d refuse to listen to them anymore, right? And you definitely wouldn’t pay for it.

With the above in mind, WHY THE HELL do people read trash magazines? I pass them on the way to work and see the ‘headlines’ outside stores. They contain the same old ridiculous lead stories (i.e. It’s not Kanye’s baby! Suri is in fact a secret ninja! Lindsay Lohan and the secret chamber of bibles) – that ALL end up being wrong. Yet, somehow the magazines still sell.

By the way, as an example, I googled one of the offending magazines this morning (let’s call it N Double U). Here are some of the gems I found:

  • Kim Kardashian OBSESSED with Amanda Bynes (WHAT? Doubtful. But, even if it was true – so what?)
  • Beyonce felt ‘crazy fat’ during her pregnancy (I realise this may not be a lie – as it’s subjective, but I left it in for lolz.
  • Lindsay Lohan’s dad finds ‘perfect rehab” for her – Umm, I’ll bet you he didn’t, and even if he did, she’s not going.

It’s annoying because people are PAYING to be lied to. Dammit, I’ll lie to you for free if it will make you feel better.

Caffeine – for not caring with greater intensity

Are people drinking coffee at a much younger age nowadays? Perhaps I just wasn’t paying attention before, but lately I’ve noticed youngsters sipping on lattes with the air of a hardened caffeine junkie (it takes one to know one). Off topic slightly, but just for completeness – when I say ‘youngsters’, I merely mean younger than  me. I plan to use / abuse the ‘young’ title until it has been forcibly removed from me, with the revocation upheld in my subsequent appeal to a sub-committee of some sort. Even then, I will probably use the term without permit.

To me, coffee is an integral part of the process of waking up and readying one’s self for the busy day ahead. It is the non-alcoholic social lubricant that keeps things flowing when we get together. With that in mind, why the hell are teens drinking coffee? Often, they’re not even the exam-stressed older teens…they’re the ‘life is, like, so damn easy’ 13-14 year old teens. And it’s not even that I see them drinking the coffee in groups (i.e. the social aspect). I see them walking to school with their coffee in one hand, and iPhone in the other. What do they need to energise themselves for? More intense recess? A more vigorous disdain for others? Not caring about stuff with more passion? Picking on others with greater focus? Yet, with all this energy, I see the same teens  slumped over the disabled seats on the train (ignoring those who need the seat, but with more of a buzz). I don’t get it.

I’d better stop. The coffee I’m drinking right now is riling me up good.

Pfft.

Sir Rantsalot.

Rate your own password, chump.

Password

I’m getting sick of websites rating my passwords. Who do these people think they are? My passwords are AWESOME. Not ‘good’, not ‘medium’, and definitely not ‘average’. If I was a member of the password police, aside from having, like, 300 medals (for smack-talking, cat-saving, etc.), I’d be the champ at giving people like me ratings such as ‘badass’, ‘ballsy’, ‘chronic’, ‘defiant’ and ‘triumphant’. Now THEY’RE great reviews.

The current password chumps need a solid elbow to the face (rating: swift, but decisive).

Sir Rantsalot.

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