Crunchinator – Crunchement Day

To the ‘crunchers’ out there – yeah, you know who you are. You specialise in crunching through noisy foods in the workplace at the maximum volume possible (Extreme Eating). You pretend to be blissfully unaware of the tremors you cause with each bite. You eat apples at the worst time ever. I’m sitting across from you, talking to a client on the phone? Oh please, never mind me. How about you pick up the most annoying fruit of all time and smash through it at a pace aptly (some pun intended) described as ‘apple casual’? Wait, there’s more? You then make annoying chewing noises beyond the point where the apple has been reduced to a size sufficiently small to pass through your oesophagus. Of course. You’re like the Terminator, however, instead of being sent from the future to kill Sarah Connor – you’ve been sent here with the sole task of pissing me off. Well, the good news is there’s no need for a sequel. You’ve achieved your goal. You can head back to the future and tell your friends (the crunchinators?) that you’ve crunched your way through Sean’s brittle psyche.

Yeah I’m angry. These crunchers have had it way too good for way too long. You know what bothers me even more than the crunching? When these guys insist on crunching extra slowly. Um, hey guys – this doesn’t make the crunching sound any softer, it just PROLONGS the pain!! You’re no food ninja. You don’t sneak into the workplace and eat in the shadows. You eat with the rest of us. Out in the open, where sound travels at, umm, the speed of sound (fast enough). We know all about your tasty crunchy snack the moment you’ve taken your first crunch. Not only do we know, but we wait for the rapturous moment when you’ll release us from the punishment you so mercilessly dole out.

Some of you will say I should just walk away. But I know how these crunchers work. They’re everywhere. In that way, they kind of are like ninjas. They hide in the shadows, ready to pounce on whatever serenity I’ve managed to rustle up. I reckon crunchers should get together and crunch each other stupid in designated crunch areas (DCA).

Crunch crunch chomp chomp crunch sjdhsjfhdsmn. It’s even annoying in text form!

Sir Ranstalot

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