A friend recently told me he’d accumulated enough frequent flyer points to travel to South America. Shit. While that lucky sod will be flying across the world, I’ll be here chasing my own damn tail, it seems.

You see, I enter almost every competition I come across. Not those competitions that require the application of skill, of course – my almost comical lack of skills sees to it that I don’t bother insulting anybody with my half-arsed attempt at whatever it is they would like me to do in exchange for the possibility of some win.

I’m talking about the vanilla-variety competitions where you put your name down to win a scooter/holiday/pumpkin. It goes something like this: I SMS my details to win stuff, they say they’ll let me know of the outcome and I either never hear back from them or I’m told I have been ‘unsuccessful on this occasion’. Um, that’s plainly wrong because I am unsuccessful on EVERY occasion.

What angers me is that everybody else I speak to on this point tells me about the time they won a scooter/holiday/pumpkin. So why the hell can’t that be me? Am I doing it wrong? How can I enter a competition wrong? Am I supposed to wink when I hand the competition slip back to the promo person or stand on my tippy toes when I send the SMS? Who the hell do I need to shake down for a free gift??!

What makes it worse is that I can’t even get reward points right. I can’t even EARN a freebie. Hell, I’ve had plenty of cards over the years that were supposed to reward me for my errant spending habits. No joke, I have accumulated points and companies have just point blank told me that they’re cancelling the points because the card I use is no longer eligible. It’s like they know who I am and they want to continue this life long tradition of really sticking it to Sean.

So, basically – I can’t win and I can’t even get what I’m entitled to. I’m essentially the worst at receiving goods that I haven’t directly paid for. The worst. No scooter, no holiday and no damn pumpkin. Just a fistful of competition flyers and no free bag to put them in.

The Smiths said it best when they (very politely) asked for what they want. This is a version by one of my favourite bands in the world – Deftones. Enjoy.


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