…This is why mountain biking is not for you, kid. (Letters to an Idiot from a Lesser Idiot)

Dear Sean of 2008,

Don’t buy that mountain bike – you’re literally going to ride it 4 times. When you eventually get around to selling it, you’ll lose approximately $600 on the whole thing, and that doesn’t even include the $50 cut you give you brother for helping you sell it. Mind you, he doesn’t end up doing much other than wait for the buyer to collect the bike and trade for the cash. Still, $50 for his efforts and so, all up, it’s fair to say that it it’s a failed experiment that ends up costing you $650. Oh, another word of advice: car registration is an expensive nuisance that costs at least $650. So maybe you can apply it to that. You’ll actually use the car.

So, why do you stop riding the mountain bike? Well, you’re a wuss. Specifically, you don’t like the idea of riding with other people on the road – especially when they’re dumbasses inexplicably in charge of high-powered vehicles. Just so you know, your inability to trust people never gets any better. In fact, there are stretches spanning months (years?) where you walk around with squinty eyes; questioning everything around you. You might want to work on that a little earlier. Actually, it probably saves your life on at least one occasion. Maybe hang onto it, then. Your call…

Oh, you also stop riding the damn bike because you’re lazy and you hate gearing up. 2014 Sean still hates gearing up, which probably explains why you never play any team sports. Well, that and your laziness. Don’t worry about fixing this; you never have time to play sport anyway. Life’s a sport, right? Oh yeah, you’re ‘witty’ in the future.

While I’m here, I would love to sell the helmet and pedals (and make a dent in that $650 loss), but I can’t find them. When you put them away, be smart about it and put them somewhere they can be found. You hate looking for shit, which means I hate looking for shit. Don’t be a dick about it.

Oh, and don’t think that you can reinvest ‘bike money’ elsewhere. You’re not musical, so don’t buy a musical instrument. Just steer clear of anything that requires skill, effort and practice and you should be fine.
Sean of 2014

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